It seems that everything's gone wrong, since Canada came along. 

I never thought I would write this, but according to an article in the Star today, South Park might just be the prophet we should have listened to. The article states a lengthy and complicated formula explaining how the crisis can be pinned down on one man. Coincidentally, or perhaps not so coincidentally, that man is Canadian. You can click here for more information if you care about any of the details other than his nationality.

CNN did an interview with a cheapskate [sic] on tips of how to save money. Most of them are reasonable and what you'd expect, get rid of that second car, don't eat out as much, don't buy new clothes, don't pay for college room and board, bla bla. But his first tip? Giving up your cell phone. Um, yeah. Thanks. It may feel like 1929 but it's actually not. How much are you really saving? A couple hundred bucks? What else should people give up? Call waiting? Yeah, because it's a really good idea to be unreachable when you're looking for a job. Maybe Mr. Cheapskate should start saving on his words of wisdom. 

Poor little OJ. All locked up and nowhere to go. It's so unfair when people are found guilty for crimes they've committed and then have to go to jail for them. Thank god that isn't the case for the guys at the top who put us in this financial mess.

But with your help, OJ can get out of this. And all it's going to take is your hard earned money. A group called Society Against Legal Injustice is raising money for an appeal. A website to raise money! It's so simple! AIG should have done that to get the real bonuses they deserve.

It's so nice (and rare) when newspapers report good news. Which is probably whey everyone went so ape shit about the United Airlines flight that crashed into the Hudson. It was a pretty good story. No one was injured, lots of heroes, yadda yadda. Everyone lived happily ever after. Well, for a few months they did.

Waterway, the ferry service that came to the shipwrecked plane's rescue, is now so desperate for money that they are suing United Airlines. The company, who is teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, claims that it lost revenue for the 48 hours following the crash when it was inoperative. Dayum. Further proof that no good deed goes unpunished.

Forbes has come out with its list (does Forbes do anything aside from lists?) of the world's billionaires and it's time to cue the violins. Last year, there were 1,125 lucky mofos on that list. This year 793. Apparently the modest little sum of $1.4 trillion is gone baby gone. 

This is the kind of fact that is so astonishing that one (or in this case, me) can only laugh. $1.4 trillion??? Yeah, I'd say the global economy has definitely been in need for some serious readjustment. The biggest loser on the list saw $32 billion disappear. That's more than the IMF's bailout package for Brazil! The hardest hit was the head of AIG, who saw his earnings slip from $1.9 billion to a meager $100 million. Look me in the eyes and tell me that little fact doesn't make you grin ear to ear.

My favorite newcomer to the list is a Mexican who's made his fortune dealing cocaine to the US. Another smile inducing fact. It seems that there's no shortage of crooks on this list. And that folks right there is why I'll never be a billionaire!

 Check out Lex Luthor (aka Don Draper with a bald cap):

American Express is offering "select cardmembers" the opportunity to close their account in exchange for $300. AmEx is basically so scared that people won't be paying their bills that they will pay you to leave. Things have to be pret-ty bad when a company estimates that it would be cheaper to pay people off rather than have them as clients. Remember the days when credit cards liked it when you weren't on time with your bills and they got to make money off finance charges? American Express, it's everywhere it wants you to be. 

For those of you who love a good deal (that would be everyone), FedEx is offering up to 25 free copies of your resume today! This is a great opportunity for the 11.6 million out there looking for work.

Eddie Boyle, bartender at Bull & Finch (aka, real life Sam Malone/Ted Danson of Cheers Tavern) has been laid off after 35 years of knowing everyone's name. That's pretty rough. However, unlike you and me, he'll probably write a book about his experience. Good for Eddie! Although I'm still not quite sure how that will read. I imagine something like this: 

Chapter 2: vodka tonic vs. gin and tonic. Chapter 5: Stop telling me your life story. You're drunk, you make no sense, and you keep repeating yourself. Chapter 7: If I remember your name it means that you come here way too often. Chapter 8: Just because you're a regular doesn't mean you should tip less. Epilogue: You can't fire me! I quit!

It won't be long until this is our reality: